Attendants: Casting your VIEs (Very Important Extras)

Your wedding day is about you and yours, right? What if "yours" extends to a cast of (seemingly) thousands? Sure, everybody wants to help and take part, but it would be downright silly to make every important person a member of the bridal party. And yet there are those VIEs -- very important extras -- whom you'd like to honor with a role in the festivities. We've put together a list of "jobs" that'll help you acknowledge those friends and family members you'd love to include -- while still keeping your whale of a wedding ship sailing smoothly.

Secretary

A plethora of paperwork surrounds your big day. Why not get a meticulous younger cousin or fun friend to help address the envelopes, organize the replies, sort through the place cards, or compose a thank-you list? In return, offer to lick the envelopes yourself.

Site Stylists

If you're doing the reception decorations yourself, you'll need an able-bodied crew to help do everything from arranging the tables and chairs to plunking down the place cards. To take the drudgery out of hanging up a zillion honeycomb bells, turn the setup into a festive pizza party.

Program Distributor

Depending on the venue, you'll probably want at least two people to hand out your programs. This easy duty puts some of your favorite people front and center -- and lets them enjoy the rest of the day worry-free.

Ushers

Often wrongly considered "guy" domain, ushering is a task females can perform, too. If you need to work teens, capable family members, or a few extra friends into the celebration, here's your opportunity.

Candle Lighters

In some Christian ceremonies, nine- to 12-year-olds light altar candles just before the mother of the bride is seated. Candle lighters can match the wedding party or wear their own duds.

Honored Elders

Without them, you wouldn't be standing where you are. Distinguish your grandmothers and grandfathers with special blooms and a gracious walk down the aisle. At the reception, raise a toast to their good health. And, if they're up for it, give them an honorary, down-tempo dance.

Huppah Holders

These close family and friends hold up the huppah poles during Jewish wedding ceremonies. Although they're often part of the couple's shushavim, which is similar to a bridal party, this symbolic, visual role is perfect for VIEs.

Altar Aides

Christian weddings with full-blown services demand the ceremonial trimmings. Depending on the denomination, this means a pair of altar boys, girls, or adults to help the celebrant do his or her thing. The chosen must have prior experience -- your wedding shouldn't be a training ground for angels-in-waiting.

Ring Bearer

This adorable (preferably non-fidgety) boy or girl, aged four to eight, walks down the aisle carrying a small decorative pillow with fake wedding bands tied to the middle.

Tradition Bearer

Weddings are a terrific time to celebrate your heritage. Send someone down the aisle with a handmade banner, flag, or other symbol of your shared culture or family traditions. Or delegate a job centered on a special cultural moment, such as the laying down of the broom (for the jumping the broom ritual) or the wine glass in a Jewish ceremony to stomp on.

Pages & Train Bearers

Remember all those kids who kept Princess Diana's train in check? If your train is even a one-tenth as long, you'll need a few six- to nine-year-olds to help keep the fabric flowing. They can be boys or girls.

Reader

This is one of the most popular ways to give VIEs center stage. They can read religious passages, but remember that potential readers may feel uncomfortable if they don't share your beliefs. You can also select two or three heartfelt poems or passages from world literature for other people to read.

Soloist

Put loved ones' vocal or musical talent to work. Make sure the selections are in tune with your ceremony and that the entertainment committee has actual performance experience. There's nothing more excruciating than a shaky rendition of "Endless Love."

License Signatories

While your maid of honor and best man will sign the legal certificate, commemorate the presence of very special relatives and friends by having them sign a decorative wedding license.
Rice Princess or Prince

Congratulatory rice or bubbles have to find their way into eager guests' hands in order for them to shower you with them. Give the cutest kid on the block a basket filled with treats, and send him or her to the sidewalk (attended by the mom or dad). If you're short on little ones, go for an adult who can talk up the crowd while they're waiting for you to come out of the ceremony location.

Guest Book Guardian & Greeter

Take the confusion out of signing in: Have a lighthearted friend or relative man the guest book. Choose somebody who will get the expensive pen back, but not someone who'll be militant about enlisting everyone who walks through the door.

Present Patrol

Put a bubbly relative in charge of fielding the "Where does this go?" looks as gift-giving guests pour into the reception. Look for a gregarious male or female candidate who'll know most of crowd and can greet people by name while steering them toward the gift table.

Favor Arranger or Distributor

Make sure everybody gets the ingenious favors you've assembled so carefully. Have a detail-oriented kid or adult set the goods on the tables before your reception begins, or ask him or her to hand out the favors as guests depart.

Attendants: A Glossary of Who's Who in the Wedding Party

Who knew planning a wedding would be akin to staging a major Broadway production? To help out with your co-directorial debut, we've prepared a cross-section of the wedding day cast of characters. (Keep in mind that most roles can be played by either gender, and by as many people as you want.)

Best Man

This guy acts as groom's valet (personal aide and advisor) through all stages of wedding planning. He's a fashion consultant, bachelor-party master of ceremonies, and commander-in-chief of the groomsmen brigade. His duties include (but aren't limited to): getting the groom to the ceremony on time; giving the wedding officiant his/her fee after the ceremony; signing the couple's marriage license; and holding the bride's wedding ring at the altar. He also is famous for his toasting skills and dancing savoir faire.

Bridesmaids

Trustworthy gal pals and female family members who form the bride's entourage (and ostensibly work well together). They are a support team for the maid of honor, helping with pre-wedding tasks when asked (addressing invites, making bridal shower favors, planning the bachelorette party, and more). Bridesmaids are often expected to hit the dance floor running and play surrogate hostesses to guests.

Candle Lighter

In some Christian ceremonies, pre-teens aged nine to 12 light candles at the altar just before the mother of the bride (see below) is seated. Candle lighters may dress like the wedding party or not. Your choice.

Father of the Bride

In traditional wedding circles, this guy fronts most of the cash -- that's no small feat. In addition, brides' dads have picked up additional to-dos along the way. Dad's chores might include airport duty, coordinating maps/directions to the wedding site, scouting potential wedding reception venues, doling out tips to wedding day staff, and a variety of toasting and hosting tasks.

Father of the Groom

He used to get away with fading into the woodwork, but nowadays he's suited up for action. In terms of cost contribution, the groom's dad traditionally pays for a few major items, notably the rehearsal dinner. He might also fulfill numerous dancing, toasting, and "manly" obligations (i.e., escort elderly women, move tables, address problematic service). It's nice, too, if he checks in with the bride's dad occasionally to offer moral support.

Flower Girl/Child

Wee ones aged three through eight who walk down the aisle before the bride, scattering flower petals from a basket (or carrying a pomander). Little ladies are the norm, but cute little boys can fill this role, too. Most flower children sit with their parents after completing their stroll.

Groomsmen

A posse of male family and friends who assist the groom in planning and preparing for the big day. Their chief responsibility? To help the best man plan and pay for the bachelor party and to support the groom. It's also common to have groomsmen do double duty as ushers, leaving their posts in time to process with the rest of the bridal party. They also get to decorate the getaway car, dance with dateless ladies at the reception, and act as a resource for confused guests.

Hattabin

A Muslim term for male family or friends who help prepare the groom for and participate in the wedding. Among Moroccan Muslims, it's common for the hattabin to propose to the bride on the groom's behalf.

Honor Attendants

The best man (see above) and the maid of honor (see below) are considered honor attendants. They may prefer to go by this title, forgoing gender-specific references. An honor attendant may also be known as "best person."

Huppah Carriers

In Jewish weddings, individuals close to the bride and groom (usually family members or close friends) may hold up the huppah poles during the ceremony. They are often part of the shushavim (see below).

Junior Bridesmaids/Junior Groomsmen/Junior Ushers
These are young members of the wedding party (aged 9-16). They'll attend all major functions (excluding X-rated bachelorette parties) and fulfill the same responsibilities as senior squad members. Junior bridesmaids can wear less-sexy versions of the bridesmaid dresses (if the dresses are risque); Junior groomsmen may don a tux like the big guys.

Koumbaro/Koumbara

The Koumbaro is the Eastern Orthodox groom's best man. (The Koumbara is the female version.) Traditionally, the koumbaros was the groom's godfather, but today any close male relative or friend can do the job. In traditional Greek weddings, the koumbaro's role is highly symbolic, and his duties are many. For example, during the crowning ceremony, he must place the crowns on the bride's and groom's heads, then switch the crowns back and forth three times, uniting and binding the two lovebirds.

Maid/Matron/Man of Honor

The bride's right-hand for the duration of the planning process -- she's there to supply a second pair of eyes and provide emotional support as needed. In general, the maid of honor heads up the bridal shower and handles numerous wedding day details, which might include toasting the bride and groom, signing the marriage license, adjusting the bride's train at the altar, holding her bouquet during vows, and collecting gift envelopes at the reception. She also should help the bride get dressed, taking care to frequently remind her that she looks beautiful. She is the last bridesmaid to walk down the aisle before the bride, holding the groom's wedding band on her thumb.

Mother of the Bride

The mother of the bride may serve as wedding planner, guest list moderator, traditional reception hostess, fashion critic, and cheerleader. Other possible duties include researching family and ethnic wedding traditions, attending the bridal shower and rehearsal dinner, and dancing the night away at the reception. The nature of the bride's mother's role is entirely up to the bride.
Mother of the Groom

The groom's mom can assume any of the bride's mom's responsibilities, if she's up for it. Dole out to-dos diplomatically to prevent conflicts. She attends the bridal shower, and is escorted down the aisle during the prelude. Her shining moment? The mother/son dance.

Officiant

The cleric or city official who performs the marriage ceremony. Examples include a priest, a rabbi, a minister, or a justice of the peace.

Pages

Young boys (or girls) aged six through nine who carry the bride's extra-long wedding gown train (think of Lady Di's wedding) as she walks down the aisle. Also known as "train bearers."

Ring Bearer

A young boy (or girl) aged four through eight, who walks down the aisle just before the flower girl (if there is one), carrying a small decorative pillow with two wedding bands tied to it (usually fakes, in case they are lost).

Shushavim

A Jewish term describing anyone close to the bride and groom who helps them plan and prepare for marriage. In many Jewish weddings, there is no traditional wedding party, but certain members of the shushavim (a mom, a sister, a best friend) might perform similar tasks.

Ushers

Males (or females) who escort guests to their seats before the ceremony. Ushers are often employed in addition to groomsmen -- this way you can involve other important guys in the big day, including pre-teen relatives who may not have been up for planning a lascivious bachelor party.

Vratimi

Basically, they're Greek groomsmen. In traditional Eastern Orthodox weddings, the vratimi is a pack of the groom's male friends who help the koumbaro carry out his traditional role and perform various rituals.

VIEs

Very important extras who act as readers, singers, poets, or party aides. A VIE can also serve as guest book captain (makes sure all guests sign), tradition bearer (walks down the aisle toting a family heirloom or heritage symbol), or etiquette guru (fields all guest questions that begin with, "Is it okay if...").

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Wedding Styles: Picking Your Wedding Colors

The hottest thing happening at wedding receptions isn't just on the dance floor -- it's on the wedding cake, the invitations, the centerpieces, and even the bride's gown. It's big, bold color. Years ago brides used color to accent their white wedding day decor, but now they're using color to cover every inch of the wedding. We've developed a step-by-step guide on color coordination (from choosing it to decorating with it) to help you dream up a bright wedding day.

Choosing Your Color

First things first: location. When deciding on a scheme, you must consider the reception space or choose a space without decor or color. If you've chosen a country club with navy and maroon Oriental carpets, a color scheme of lime green and hot pink won't work.
Next, become aware of color combinations that you like, whether browsing art galleries or flipping through a stack of fashion magazines. You might be able to narrow down your color choices to a half a dozen. To help you choose the exact hue for your wedding details, visit a local fabric store or paint shop and collect swatches or chips of colors you might want to use. This will help you get specific, so that when you decide on green you'll know if it's lime green, kelly green, sage green, or forest green. If you have access to a Pantone book, use this collection of colors to select your shade the same way graphic designers do. Many invitation designers mix ink to match the colors in this book, and many cake bakers use Pantone numbers as a reference when creating dye for frosting. Can't decide on just one or two colors? Don't worry. In fact, many extraordinary weddings feature a variety of colors, sometimes up to five, that work together to create a specific sensibility -- like an "English garden" with green, yellow, pink, red, and brown, or "Fall in New England" with orange, red, brown, and gold.

The Knot Note: For specifics on choosing your winning color combo, read more on choosing your wedding colors.

Where & How to Execute Color

Where and how you use color really depends on the mood you are trying to create. The best way to get started is to figure out what emotions you want your celebration to evoke. A peaceful, Zen-like retreat? A regal, romantic affair? A jumping, high-energy party?
For instance, a vibrant summer yellow mixed with chocolate brown (think sunflowers and bees) is perfect for a country-chic wedding style; add gold to the mix, and the combination becomes more reminiscent of Northern Italy. As another example, leaf green paired with cantaloupe is pretty for a waterside wedding; but pair this green with copper, and you have a color scheme that's formal enough for a ballroom or an estate setting. If your wedding takes place in multiple spaces, each room can have its own color scheme.

The Elements of Style

Attire Your gown doesn't have to be solid white, especially since color accents are increasingly more available. A blue or red sash around the waist is striking and still very bridal. The groom and his guys can also sport color in their ties or on their cuff links. But color will be most prominently displayed throughout the day in the bridesmaid dresses. Some fervent folks might want to match the dresses to the invitation ribbons, the favor tags, and the bouquets but this isn't the only way to define a style. Mixing and matching dresses in varying shades -- pink and orange, or pale green and yellow -- can sometimes make a statement stronger than uniformity.
Invitations Your invitations set the stage for the event, so remember that mood you want to evoke? This is your time to show it off. Coordinating the invitation colors with those of the wedding can be as easy as choosing a color font, ribbon, or monogram or as elaborate as layering colorful cards.

Flowers & Decor No matter what color you've chosen, chances are you'll be able to find flowers in that shade -- but that, of course, does not mean the blooms will be available or affordable. If your dream flowers aren't an option, use neutral white flowers with centerpiece containers or other decor elements in your color.

Wedding Cake The cake is one of the easiest places to add color -- all it takes is the right mixing. The color should reflect the other style elements used throughout the wedding. But when it comes to cake, your color options are the most flexible. White icing makes a marvelous background for colorful sugar flowers, sugar-paste stripes or polka dots, or other effects. Fondant can also be created in any number of shades. For instance, a yellow and brown country-chic wedding might have a wedding cake iced in a light brown basket weave and topped with fresh sunflowers.

Favors Ultimately, it's more important to give something meaningful rather than something that matches, but it can be a nice touch to your favors package in your color scheme. Use gift tags and ribbons to incorporate your colors into your favors. If favors will be left at each place setting, consider how they will look with your wedding linens and flowers.

New Ways to Use Color

We should point out that overdoing it with a matchy-match look is entirely possible. (You don't want your guests thinking, Um, yeah, lavender...we get it.) Begin with the five essential wedding elements (attire, invitations, flowers, cake, and favors) and see where you can -- or should -- add more color. Then consider details, such as napkins, candles, signature drinks, your ring pillow, or your guest book, made from the same fabric and in the same color as the bridesmaid dresses.

Wedding Toast Tips: 30 Inspiring Quotes

Jump start your toast with an eloquent and moving reflection on marriage, love, or soul-binding. Need inspiration? Here are 30 quotes to ponder -- integrate the words into your own original speech ("As Shakespeare said..."; "In the words of the poet Nikki Giovanni..."), relating them to bride and groom. The idea is to get the crowd to feel the universal significance and emotional impact of the words.

1. May your love be like the misty rain, gentle coming in but flooding the river.
-- Traditional African

2. Insomuch as love grows in you, so beauty grows. For love is the beauty of the soul.
-- St. Augustine

3. We never live so intensely as when we love strongly. We never realize ourselves so vividly as when we are in full glow of love for others.
-- Walter Rauschenbusch

4. To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage.
-- Lao Tzu

5. Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

6. One word
Frees us of all the weight and pain of life:
That word is love.
-- Sophocles

7. Night and day you are the one,
Only you beneath the moon and under the sun.
-- Cole Porter

8. At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet.
-- Plato

9. Love is a fire that feeds our life.
-- Pablo Neruda

10. Love is friendship set to music.
-- Anonymous

11. Marriage is like a golden ring in a chain, whose beginning is a glance and whose ending is eternity.
-- Kahlil Gibran

12. The strongest and sweetest songs
yet remain to be sung.
-- Walt Whitman

13. We are each other's harvest; we are each other's business; we are each other's magnitude and bond.
-- Gwendolyn Brooks

14. In our life there is a single color, as on an artist's palette, which provides the meaning of life and art. It is the color of love.
-- Marc Chagall

15. We love because it's the only true adventure.
-- Nikki Giovanni

16. We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.
-- John Keating, in Dead Poets Society (1989)

17. They do not love that do not show their love.
--William Shakespeare

18. When people care for you and cry for you, they can straighten out your soul.
-- Langston Hughes

19. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.
-- Emily Bronte

20. That love is all there is
Is all we know of love.
-- Emily Dickinson

21. A great flame follows a little spark.
-- Dante Alighieri

22. There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.
-- George Sand

23. Without love, the world itself would not survive.
-- Lope de Vega

24. When love reigns, the impossible may be attained.
-- Indian proverb

25. Love is life.
-- Leo Tolstoy

26. Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination.
-- Voltaire

27. Love is a moment that lasts forever.
-- Anonymous

28. Love is all you need.
-- John Lennon/Paul McCartney

29. A good marriage is that in which each appoints the other guardian of his solitude.
-- Rainer Maria Rilke

30. May your dreams ride on the wings of angels who know their way home to the skies.
-- Anonymous

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The Worst Things You Can Say To a Bride and Groom

Most of the time it's okay to speak up -- but in some cases, it's better to hold your peace. Be a model wedding guest by avoiding these conversational land mines.

"This must have cost you a fortune!"

The way celebrities' wedding costs are blasted all over the news can make it seem like it's appropriate to put a price tag on the dress, the cake, and everything in between. But money is often a sticky subject for brides and grooms who don't have a millionaire's budget, so it's better to keep mum. And just ignore that old "pay for your plate" rule -- it's more appropriate to choose a wedding gift that reflects the closeness of your relationship to the couple than the cost of your reception meal.

"So baby comes next, right?"

We know, we know -- first comes love, then comes marriage. But you know what? Next comes whatever the bride and groom want, which may be buying a home, working toward a big promotion, or something else entirely. Everyone's got their own schedule and life goals, which may or may not include the pitter-patter of little feet. Most brides and grooms are already pretty overwhelmed by the wedding planning, so the last thing they want to talk about is making another big life change.

"I can't believe you're settling down! I remember when..."

Just because you remember the bride when she was a total wild child or can provide the story behind the groom's fraternity nickname doesn't mean you should. This goes double for any conversation you have with other wedding guests who know the bride or groom from a different time in their lives (for example, a coworker or an older relative). Yes, they might still be the crazy kids you remember -- but given the formality of the day (not to mention the many relatives likely on the guest list), it's not the best time to air out their dirty laundry.

"Can you help me with...?"

When you're at a wedding, it's pretty easy to look to the bride and groom as the ones who are in charge and running the show -- after all, it's their big day. For the same reason though, they're going to be pretty busy (and by "pretty busy," we mean "really busy"). If you've got some minor issue -- the caterers brought you the wrong entree, or you think some of the seating should be switched -- don't take it to the bride and groom. Instead, talk to the wedding planner or coordinator, one of the caterers, or, if you really feel it's something the bride or groom needs to deal with personally, one of the bridesmaids or groomsmen who can pass along the message. The bride and groom already have a lot on their plates, so it's important to respect the difference between an actual emergency and what just seems like one at the time.

"Why wasn't so-and-so invited?"

Word to the wise: If you notice that someone you thought would be at the wedding isn't there, there's usually a reason. Option A is that their RSVP said they couldn't make it, but Option B is that there's a distinct reason they were left off the guest list. Either way, the most tactful approach is to keep mum about it. If the bride and groom have chosen not to include a family member or friend, chances are there was at least one long conversation that went into making that decision -- and the wedding day is definitely not the time to bring it up.

"Wow, when you think about how many couples divorce..."

Today of all days, the D-word is off limits. No matter what you might think about statistics, or the bride's or groom's past or family life, or your own experiences, just don't go there. Instead of focusing on the negative, think about the positive -- yes, in spite of the odds, these two people are genuinely committed to each other and are making a public vow saying so! Don't they deserve only your best wishes?

"Tonight's going to be a big night for you, huh?"

Please, no speculation about the bride and groom's after-hours activities. If you want to talk about what a big night it is, focus on what's already happening -- the fabulous food, the killer band, the great time all the guests are having. Lose the innuendo and congratulate the bride and groom on pulling off an amazing wedding.

Ultimate Wedding Guest Survival Guide

It's wedding season. This means a flurry of love, matrimony and eternal bliss, right? Kinda. It also means that as a wedding guest, you're forking over an alarming slice of your salary, burning through your vacation days and spending more time in the airport than in your bedroom. Here are 10 quick rules for survival.

Book your travel early.

Obvious? Maybe. But on top of the usual book-early-for-cheaper-flights maxim, there's this to consider: wedding hotels often have a finite capacity. If you're not in the early wave, you might get relegated to the second- or third-tier lodgings -- stuck with the bride's drunk cousins who yell "Yeeeeaaahhhww!!!!" at 2 a.m.

Ditch your kids.

Do it for at least this one night. Your children are adorable and charming and the most special little creatures in the world, but look, here's the no-BS truth: Most people don't really want them at the wedding. Splurge for a sitter and take the night off. (Obviously, if the wedding is explicitly family-themed, then this is null and void.)

Use the gift registry. (Always.)

You don't win points for creativity. Maybe you found this watercolor painting of pinecones and you're sure they'll just loooooooooove it! They won't. Couples register for a reason -- they want specific items, and these items (kind of) offset the cost of the wedding. Get them what they actually want; skip the pinecones.

Guys: Err on the side of dressy.

You might think, "Whatever -- the groom, Billy, is my boy! He doesn't give a damn what I wear!" You're wrong. The bride cares, so he cares. Unless it's on a beach, you need to wear a jacket or a sports coat.

Use $200 as a baseline.

How much do you spend on a gift? That depends on a ton of factors, but generally, $200 is the safest rule of thumb. Aim higher for a best friend and maybe lower -- not too much, though -- for your kinda-sorta-not-really acquaintances. If you're invited to a bunch of other events (bachelor party, bridal shower, engagement party), use the 60-20-20 rule: spend 60 percent on the wedding gift and 20 percent on those other parties.

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Budgeting for the Wedding: Wedding Budget Strategies

These days, the cost of a wedding makes a year at Harvard and Yale look affordable. How are you going to scrape together the bucks so you can have the bash you want? Put that idea about sticking up the Federal Reserve on hold. You have options -- legal, time-honored, respectable options. The kind of options that, unless you're in the habit of bouncing checks, won't land you behind bars. Here's a rundown of some of them, plus their pros and cons. Keep in mind that a combination of two or more may be how you end up getting your wedding paid for.

The Bride's Parents Pay

The traditional -- and still pretty popular -- way of paying for the wedding.

The Pros:

You don't have to dip into your nest egg to pay for the wedding, which means you'll probably be driving a better car, buying a better house and taking better vacations a year from now than your contemporaries who are paying -- in full or partially -- for their own wedding.

The Cons:

"The person who pays ultimately gets what he or she wants," says JoAnn Gregoli, a wedding consultant and owner of Elegant Occasions in Denville, New Jersey. Which means that if you want 100 guests but your parents want 250, you'll probably end up with at least 175 to 200 people at your wedding. "Having your parents pay for the wedding doesn't hurt your wallet," notes Gregoli, "but you have to be willing to compromise on what the wedding will be like." Another downside: Having your parents pay for the wedding -- especially if they're retired, on a fixed income, or just not that well off to begin with -- could strap them down with some major debt.

Everyone Pays

A contemporary and, according to Gregoli, effective way of taking care of wedding expenses is for the two of you, the bride's family, and the groom's family to split the expenses. It works best, she says, if you simply take the whole cost of the wedding and divide it three ways, rather than dole out specific things to pay for: "For example, if you let your parents pay for the dinner, then they may be inclined to invite more guests. It can get sticky." If you can't divide it equally -- say one party is more or less wealthy than the other two -- ask that party what's comfortable for them to give, and throw it into the pot. "But just because his family, for example, is giving four times as much money as yours doesn't mean they get four times more say," says Gregoli. "You're handling this as a group, and one person can't push his or her weight around." The key to making this work, she cautions, is negotiation and compromise.

The Pros:

By pooling your resources, you may be able to afford the kind of
wedding you want. You also may not have to empty your savings account to get it. What's more, since everyone is contributing -- which means everyone gets a say -- you're not likely to make one side or the other feel left out.

The Cons:

By accepting money from other people, you do give up some control. But there are always solutions, notes Gregoli. "If you want a DJ but the parents want a band, look for a band that also works with a DJ, who can play during the band's break. Or if you want a buffet reception and your parents want a seated dinner, perhaps have food stations, but arrange for waiters to serve your parents and their friends at assigned tables."

You Two Pay for Everything

More the norm than you might think. As more and more brides and grooms marry later -- stockpiling those Christmas bonuses, merit raises, and dividend checks -- more and more couples are in a good position to foot the entire wedding bill themselves.

The Pros:

Money talks, and as such, you will have total control over all aspects of the wedding. If you want to get married in a bikini on the beach and dance to a reggae band at the reception, you do it. Your mom may think it's an outrage, but in the end, she-who-does-not-open-her-wallet can't dictate to you.

The Cons:

You might deplete your savings (and rack up some debt if you take out a loan or charge on your credit card). You also run the risk of offending your parents if you refuse their financial help. To remedy the situation? You might accept a nominal sum from them, or let them pay for something you don't have strong opinions about -- say, the flowers. In any event, don't shut your parents out of the wedding-planning process. Encourage their input -- hey, they may even have a good idea or two -- compromise where you can, and stick to your guns on the things that are really important.

"If anything creates problems in planning a wedding, it's money," says Gregoli. "To sidestep problems, you need to do a lot of communicating -- with your partner and both families. If you don't, there will be trouble." Truer words were never spoken.