Wedding Guests: Our 13 Top Tips for Cutting Down the Guest List

Money Talks

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If you're running into conflicts curbing your guest list, consider who's footing the bill. Because the bride's parents traditionally pay for the wedding, they usually have more say over the list. If the groom's side is paying, flip that. Or, if you're throwing your own bash, allocate a specific number to each side.

Slash and Burn
If you like, start by making as big a list as you can -- the fantasy list. Then get ready to wield the pen as a hatchet and whack that list into shape, cutting ruthlessly until you are within budget. Reducing the guest list is the only way to truly cut costs.


Pick Your Priorities
If you have your heart set on a small country inn but plan to invite 200 people, it's not gonna happen. Figure out which is more important to you: more guests or a specific venue.

Battle the Guilt
A wedding is not an excuse to round up every long-lost friend you have known since you were 10 -- focus on people who matter now. Don't feel guilty when you run into someone you haven't seen in years and aren't planning on inviting to the wedding. Otherwise, you'd be inviting everyone you've every met.


Child's Play
If you're having a large number of guests 10 and under, hire a babysitter to watch kids them during the ceremony (have him or her sit with small kids in a separate room, if necessary). Or, set up a children's table or room at the reception, complete with favors, crayons, coloring books, small toys, and games. Consider hiring special children's entertainment, such as a caricaturist or clown.

Happy Meals
Ask your caterer to prepare kid meals so they don't have to eat -- and you don't have to pay for -- grown-up meals.

Choose Your Words
If you don’t want to invite kids, make sure the outer and inner envelopes of your invitations are addressed in such a way that it's clear children aren't included (Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Anderson as opposed to The Anderson Family). If anyone RSVPs with their kids anyway, it's okay to call and gently explain your preference.

Take a Seat
When it comes to seating guests at the ceremony, the general rule of thumb is one usher for every 50 guests.

Talkative Tables
Want to ensure you've created perfect, party-friendly tables for your guests? Here are some things to consider: Put people with similar interests and of similar ages together; put an even number of guests at each table (people tend to pair off in conversation so you don't want to leave anyone out); and put the dance lovers near the dance floor -- they'll get the party rocking.

Stick to a Schedule
One of the simplest, most useful things you can do for out of town guests is provide a wedding itinerary. After sending out your invitations, mail guests an additional clever, elegant, or interesting communique with a complete rundown of the events leading up to and following your walk down the aisle. You can also create a wedding web page for an easily refrenced one-stop-shop for guests to check up on everything you have planned.

Set Them Up
Recommend different places for guests to stay. Look for locations near your ceremony and reception sites, and start calling around about six months beforehand to check on large-scale availability for the days surrounding your wedding, and to inquire about special group rates.

Show Your Appreciation
Comfort the jet-lagged and travel-weary with a little something left in their hotel rooms. Imagine their delight -- walking into their temporary living quarters to discover a basket of fresh fruit, a bouquet of flowers, a tin of local chocolates, or a bottle of chilled bubbly.


Abide By a Buddy System
Out-of-town guests who are traveling alone? Create a buddy system. Appoint a kind, willing family member to welcome the guest to town and offer his phone number for questions. Your buddy probably won't get woken up at 4 a.m., but the knowledge that he's there should help nervous travelers.

Wedding Guests: Kids Gone Crazy at Weddings

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Children can add some memorable moments to a wedding, but sometimes kids make a scene that the bride and groom would rather forget. Here are true tales of kids behaving badly at weddings. Names have been removed to protect the innocent (and the guilty!).

"I went to my friend's wedding(debut dress 2012) where, while everyone was sitting down for the reception, one of the kids pulled the fire alarm. It took the firemen 15 minutes to shut it off."

"I was at a wedding where the bride was a teacher and asked her entire first grade class to participate as flower girls and boys. During the ceremony, one of the girls ran back down the aisle, stole the registry pen, and wrote her name all over her body and dress while screaming at the top of her lungs. It took five of us to catch her and bring her to her mother, who had not left her seat for the ordeal."

"I was at a friend's wedding recently, and during the first dance, five kids began running circles around the bride and groom. One of the girls fell on her face and the happy couple had to stop and ask the child's parents to come get her."

"My brother-in-law's nephew covered my sister's wedding(burgundy dresses) getaway car with anything he could find. He took salad dressing, mayo, soap from the bathroom, and dirt and smeared them all over the windows and into the vents. The wedding was in December, so as one would guess, it all froze to the car -- the bridal party spent the better half of the reception cleaning up his mess."

"At my friend's wedding, there was a large punch fountain at the reception. Three kids were standing with their hands in the fountain letting the punch run through their fingers! "

"During a wedding I attended, one of the flower girls threw a hysterical fit right before walking down the aisle because she didn't want the gum that she had in her mouth anymore. But after her mother took the gum away, she continued to throw a fit because she wanted it back."

"At a family wedding(transparent wedding dress), the flower girl thought that standing in her place during the ceremony wasn't any fun. Instead, she decided to see how loud she could make her new shoes click against the wooden benches in the church. No one could hear what the officiant -- or the bride and groom -- were saying over her clomping."

"While everyone was on the dance floor, a child ran up to the bride and, with a frustrated look on his face, pushed her. The bride completely lost her balance and fell over! She was mortified."

"There was a kid running around with a cup of red punch at one wedding I went to. He ran smack into the bride and the red punch went all over her dress. Needless to say, there was no getting that stain out."

"I watched in horror as the flower girl and another little guest played tag all through the room, running under tables and knocking the elderly guests over. Guess what they used as their base? You got it. The tiny table with the tall and beautiful wedding cake on it. Can you imagine what happened?"

Flower Girl: Attire Basics for the Parents

Dress

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Prices vary depending on the designer, fabric, and size, but feel free to make some suggestions. A bride choosing on looks alone may overlook a scratchy collar or a heavy dress. Your daughter might have to go for fittings to make sure the dress is comfortable and not too long, to avoid tugging or tripping during the ceremony. Floor-length dresses can be tricky, especially if your daughter is younger or simply not used to walking in something so long. If you're worried, suggest shortening the hem by an inch or two.

Shoes
Often overlooked, shoes that don't fit will literally hurt your child's performance. Get them at least a month in advance, and have her break them in for a few hours each week (just around the house) to make sure she's comfortable. In a pinch, at a casual warm-weather wedding, you might suggest that she walk barefoot. It looks adorable!


Jewelry
Small pearl studs for pierced ears, or a simple bracelet, are perfect for the wedding day. It's best to keep the jewelry minimal -- and make sure your daughter knows it's not the time to break out her favorite large, plastic ring.

Underwear
Colors or polka dots easily show through a light dress, so white is the best bet.


Stockings
If your flower girl will be wearing stockings, it's best to line up two pairs in case of wedding-day snags. And if the dress is white or ivory, make sure the stockings match -- shades of white and ivory can be very different!

White Cardigan
If she gets cold, you don't want her to end up in a sweatshirt! A pretty cardigan to match her dress is great to have on hand.


Hair Accessories
Will she wear barrettes, a tiara, or flowers in her hair? It's a good idea to check with the bride on this one, so you can line up the right supplies -- especially if you're going to be your daughter's hairdresser.

Flower Girls: A Guide to Getting Ready

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There is a lot more that goes into being the adorable flower girl than just a dress and flowers. Between the walk down the aisle, the prewedding parties and the makeup, you're little girl is bound to be overwhelmed. Help prep her for the wedding with this easy to follow guide.

Practice Makes Perfect
Start "walking down the aisle" months before the wedding(deep purple prom dresses 2012). The more confidence your daughter has, the more comfortable she'll be when it counts. If she's younger, try walking with her a few times, than have her show you how she can walk on her own. She should keep a steady pace that might seem slow at first -- try having her count in her, "one peanut butter, two peanut butter," with each step. Older flower girls should catch on pretty quickly, but it might take several practice sessions for the little ones to perfect their walk.

The Bridal Shower
If your daughter is invited to the shower, be mindful of her attention span. Ask the host to recommend a good time for your daughter to arrive, and suggest giving her a special job at the party, like helping collect bows and ribbons to turn into the rehearsal bouquet. The bridal shower is a great opportunity for your daughter to meet the other members of the bridal party. Seeing friendly, familiar faces on the big day will help ease any anxiety.
Beyond the shower, you might suggest the bride spend some one-on-one time with your daughter and let her know how excited she is to share her special day. Manicures or special shopping trips are great ways to bond!


Hair & Makeup
Is the bridal party getting fancy updos for the event? Ask if your daughter can go to the salon, too. Even if the stylist only brushes her hair and clips in a barrette or two, it will help her feel included. If your daughter is wearing a ring of flowers in her hair, make sure it's secure and won't fall over her eyes every few steps!

Try to minimize her time in the salon chair; if she has to sit still for two hours the morning of the wedding(prom gowns outlet), it may be hard for her to focus on the more important parts of the day. If you choose not to have a professional do her hair, be prepared with a comb and light hairspray for styling and touch-ups. Also, if you're planning to schedule a haircut, make it a week or two before the wedding to avoid harsh bands and choppy layers.
If the bride is having her makeup professionally done, decide beforehand if you'd like to include your daughter, but don't let the makeup artist get carried away. It's not a beauty pageant, so a touch of lip gloss and a little translucent powder or a light stroke of blush is plenty.


The Rehearsal
On or around the night before the wedding, your daughter will participate in the rehearsal. She might be intimidated by the attention, but assure her it's going to be just as you practiced. Walk her down the aisle once or twice if she's uncomfortable, and she her where you'll be during her big moment. Don't worry if the rehearsal doesn't go perfectly -- often the most nervous flower girls at the rehearsal turn into the best performers when it counts. She may be invited to the rehearsal dinner, but don't be offended if she's not -- it's better to save her energy and attention for the wedding day.

Bridesmaid Gifts: 50 Inspiring Ideas

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Who says bridesmaid gifts have to be generic objects with zero sex appeal? Charm your chums with keepsakes that challenge tradition -- your maids deserve much more than the usual key chain or faux strand of pearls. While shopping, keep each individual maid in mind, choosing imaginative and stylish gifts that come from the heart. From crafty and tasty to just plain indulgent, here are 50 unique ideas to inspire you.

Entertain Her

Set of videos themed around a favorite actor, director, or film era

Tickets to a musical or dinner theater

Magazine subscriptions

Computer games

First-edition favorite novel

Gift certificates to a local video store or movie theater

Cute, purse-size camera

Movie-themed gift basket

Tickets to a sporting event

Tiffany playing cards

Lavish Affection

Silk pajamas

Asian-inspired robe

Personalized stationery

Gift certificate to a great boutique

Monogrammed set of bath towels

Designer purse or note cards

Gift certificate to a luxury spa

Designer makeup bag

Beauty gift package

Do It Yourself

(be careful here, make sure your maid will appreciate as much as you do)

Jewelry

Candles

Whimsical soaps

Holistic beauty treatments such as bath salts and scented astringents

Hand-painted mug or vase, designed at a local ceramics studio and personalized with her favorite colors

Knitted scarf, throw, or other woolen delight

Hand-bound photo album or scrapbook

Assorted jars of homemade jam

Personalized poem

Play Off Her Passion

She's an antique buff? Check out flea markets, tag sales, and ebay.com for vintage ashtrays, lace bureau scarves, Depression-era glass, and more.

She ice skates? Give a subscription to a skating magazine and fluffy balls for her skates.

She loves to boogie but can't get her groove on? Try a gift certificate for an introductory ballroom, salsa, or flamenco dance class.

She's a fitness nut? Go for workout gear.

She has wanderlust? Try a flight bag bearing her initials or classy travel kit.

She's good with her hands? Treat her to an introductory pottery class.

She's obsessed with wellness? Try a gift certificate for a session with a personal trainer, reflexologist, or nutritionist.

She cooks? Think a hot new cookbook, dessert bowls, or a state-of-the-art pepper mill.

She's a gardening guru? Try new tools, a flowering plant, or decorative pots.

Wine and Dine Her

She's a coffee fiend? A French press is always elegant, especially with a pound of gourmet coffee.

You're a great cook? Host a five-course dinner party in your bridesmaids' honor -- feature the finest wine you can afford and the most sumptuous dishes you can prepare.

She's the expert entertainer? Give her all the props she needs to create the ultimate sushi-themed soiree.

She's a wine lover? Try a fabulous bottle of bubbly, a nice ice bucket, or enroll her in a wine club.

She loves to eat out? Go with a gift certificate to a favorite restaurant.

She sets a mean table? Search for luxe table linens.

She's got a sweet tooth? Maybe she'd love some decadent chocolates.

She has a weakness for fancy food? Treat her to caviar, foie gras, or a gift certificate to a nearby gourmet shop.

She loves the outdoors? Hook her up with a deluxe picnic basket.

She's a kitchen goddess? Dress her in an adorable apron.

Photo: Susan Stripling Photography

Best Man: Best Man Duties in Detail

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As best man, you may think you're just a glorified groomsman, but guess what? You actually have special responsibilities -- you'll be a combination valet and hand-holder as you help the groom come through this nerve-racking experience with flying colors. As leader of the groom's posse, you'll:
Serve as the groom's personal aide and adviser before and during the wedding. This can include helping him pack for the honeymoon (the valet part).

Help the groom choose and rent (or buy) wedding formalwear, and coordinate the other groomsmen's rentals. You guys are supposed to match, after all! You may be expected to arrange accommodations for out-of-town groomsmen.

Organize the bachelor party. Don't be shy about enlisting other groomsmen to help you out -- most guys don't mind this duty! Put financial worries out of your mind -- the cost should be split among everyone who attends the bash.

Attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner with the bride and groom and all the other attendants. This is your chance to figure out how you're supposed to walk down that aisle.

Stand beside the groom at the altar and keep the bride's ring until vows are exchanged. Find a safe place for the ring (and triple check that your pockets don't have holes) -- you don't want to fumble around when it's time to whip it out.

Corral the other guys and make sure they're performing their groomsman duties.

Sign the marriage license as a witness after the ceremony, along with the maid of honor.

Give the officiant a sealed envelope with his or her fee (the groom's responsibility) just after the ceremony.

You may be announced with the maid of honor when the reception begins.
Dance with both the honor attendant and the bride during the wedding party dances.

Give the first toast to the bride and groom at the reception. This is your biggest -- and probably most frightening -- duty. Read our article about how to give a toast, and remember the cardinal rule: Mum's the word on the bachelor bacchanalia.

Collect any gift envelopes guests bring to the reception. You may be asked to deposit them in the couple's bank account or at least to keep them until the couple returns from their honeymoon.

Decorate the getaway mobile. Grab the other groomsmen and the bridesmaids for this one.

Drive the couple to the wedding-night hotel(prom gowns outlet) or airport after the reception. If you perform this service, you'll need to stay sober throughout the reception. If you have a feeling this may not be possible, hire a limo to drive the couple into the sunset.

The wedding(debut dress 2012) will be over in the blink of an eye, so remember to enjoy yourself at the reception. After all, you're there to celebrate the happiest day of your best friend's life.

Ceremony: Protestant Wedding Checklist

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12+ Months Before
Begin to envision your ceremony. Should it be long and symbolic? Short and sweet? Do you want to include all the rituals or just the highlights?
Choose wedding date and time preferences. Depending on your church, there may be times of year that are off-limits, such as the Holy Week between Palm Sunday and Easter.
Choose a location and officiant. Keep in mind that some officiants won't marry couples outside of a church.
Explore your church's marriage requirements. Some denominations may request proof of baptism or confirmation. Read more on Protestant wedding rituals.
If you and your honey aren't the same religion or denomination, find out from your officiant about prerequisites for interfaith or ecumenical marriages.
If this is the second wedding for either of you, ask your officiant regarding possible church conditions for remarriage.

9-11 Months Before
Meet with your officiant to discuss ceremony structure and marriage requirements. Your officiant may ask you to choose readings and blessings for the ceremony.
Choose attendants and ask them to do the honors. Make sure they understand what's involved. Read more on attendants' duties.
Although most Protestant denominations do not require prewedding counseling, they recommend you meet with clergy to discuss pertinent issues regarding marriage.
Find out from your officiant if there are any dress requirements for the church, such as covering one's shoulders for the bride.

If you and your honey aren't the same religion or denomination, find out from your officiant about prerequisites for interfaith or ecumenical marriages.

6-8 Months Before
Consult with your stationer about invitations, programs, and place cards. You may want to order pew cards to ensure close family and friends are seated in the church's first few rows.
Choose ceremonial music and musicians. See our guide to ceremony music basics.

3-4 Months Before
Talk to people you'd like to do special performances or readings.
Consider specific ceremony and reception decoration needs such as an aisle runner, flowers, and candles.
Book rehearsal-dinner site and finalize guest list.

2 Months Before
Order ceremony programs if you plan to use them. It is helpful to have programs so your non-Protestant guests will understand the meaning and symbolism of a Protestant wedding.
Prepare and mail invitations. Include pew cards for family and friends who should be seated in the first few rows.
Begin working on vows if you're writing your own. Click here for a wedding vow how-to.

3-4 Weeks Before
Have a final meeting with your officiant.
Finalize vows, readings, and other special ceremony details.
Send rehearsal-dinner invitations.

1-2 Weeks Before
Touch base with your officiant.

Day Before
Rehearse the ceremony.

Ceremony: Protestant Processionals, Recessionals & Seating

Here's the scoop on who sits where and who walks down the aisle when (and with whom) in a Protestant wedding(gowns for debut).

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In Protestant ceremonies, the bride's side makes up the left side of the church and the groom's side fills the right, when looking from back to front. For Protestant ceremonies, the person seated last is always the bride's mother (the groom's mother is seated just before her). The seating of the bride's mother signals that the ceremony is starting. Usually, brothers of the bride and groom seat their mothers; the head usher can do this if the brothers are in the wedding party, or a brother can seat his mother and then take his place with the other groomsmen. If there is no male sibling in your family, ask your mom whom she'd like to escort her down the aisle.
Ushers may roll out an aisle runner after the bride's mother takes her seat. Traditionally the runner was believed to protect the couple from evil spirits lurking in the floorboards. A red runner connotes honor, while a white runner represents a pure path.

The Protestant Procession
For a Protestant ceremony, the wedding(pink prom dresses) party enters in this order:
The officiant, groom, and best man wait at the altar
Groomsmen (who walk in from the side or accompanying bridesmaids)
Bridesmaids (starting with the attendant who will stand farthest from the bride)
Ring bearer and/or flower girl (child attendants can be seated with their parents once they reach the front)


Honor attendant(s)
The bride, walking to the left of her escort
The bride's father may either take his seat or remain at the altar until the officiant asks who gives the bride away, at which time the father gives his blessing and takes his seat in the front pew

The Protestant Recessional
After the ceremony, the procession is reversed, and the men in the wedding party escort the women:
Bride and groom (bride to the groom's left)
Flower girl and ring bearer (optional)
Honor attendants (maid/matron of honor and best man)
Bridesmaids and groomsmen, in pairs
Parents leave the pews directly after the wedding party recesses, followed by the congregation
Fun fact: In the days of marriage by capture, the groom had to constantly defend himself against rival suitors -- even when the couple stood at the altar to say their vows! Therefore, the groom needed his right hand (his sword hand) free to fight. The bride stood at his left, safe from any random swordplay!

What if There Are Two Aisles?
A venue with two aisles (usually one on each side, instead of a center aisle) expands the possibilities. Here are the options:
Use only one aisle; ignore the other
Enter (process) down one and exit (recess) up the other one
Use both aisles simultaneously: When a groomsman enters on the right, a bridesmaid enters on the left. The bride and groom could walk down each aisle and meet at the front.

What if I Break the Rules?
Traditional wedding etiquette has become more fluid -- the "rules" are not so strict. And as you know, we here at the Knot are nothing if not open-minded about creating your own traditions. For example, many brides and grooms are entering their ceremonies together these days, or both are being escorted by both parents, even at church weddings. Almost anything will work, if done with confidence and poise!

Bad Wedding Etiquette Comebacks

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Classy comebacks for all those unwanted wedding planning opinions.

Ever been faced with a wedding comment that was so inappropriate it left you tongue-tied? Among the congratulations and well-wishing, you're bound to hear a few remarks that are rude, annoying, or flat-out appalling. Be prepared and you'll leave them sputtering.

"Are you sure you're ready?"

Translation: Coming from an unmarried acquaintance, this sort of question is likely a projection of their own fears -- they're not in a position to make a lifelong commitment, so it's hard to imagine that you could be.

Quick comeback: Exude confidence and leave no room for anyone to debate if you or your fiance is in any way unprepared for what you're getting into: "Absolutely! We are completely in love and ready to be together forever."

"The marriage won't last."

Translation: Whether it's a reflection of their own marriage problems or a past incident that convinced them monogamy is impossible, this person has a knack for souring good news.

Quick comeback: It's easy to get seriously offended by this one, but take the high road and try cheesy humor. Ask if their favorite precious stone is "jaded" or whether they hit any traffic on the Pessimist Expressway that morning.

"Your engagement is too long."

Translation: Any engagement over a year might seem excessive to some, but it takes a lot of time to pull everything together. The person's comment may be out of surprise, not ill will.

Quick comeback: You have a few acceptable options: Explain that the best wedding vendors are booked more than a year in advance, that you're extending the engagement to save more money, or that you have something you want to accomplish (finish your degree, settle into a new job) before you make your marriage official.

"Your engagement is too short."

Translation: While you and your fiance have probably discussed getting engaged for a while, the news might be a shock to some. The person who says this doubts you'll have enough time to plan a nice wedding.

Quick comeback: Reassure them that though your engagement is brief, you set the wedding planning wheels in motion well before he popped the question. Be calm -- if you seem too swept up in the excitement of the proposal, it supports the idea that you're rushing things.

"Is that really the ring you wanted?"

Translation: Almost any engagement ring can elicit a snide remark, whether it's too big, too small, too sparkly, or not sparkly enough. This sort of nastiness undoubtedly stems from jealously that you've been proposed to, and the ring is an object that provides an outlet for them to concentrate all their envious feelings on.

Quick comeback: It's every newly engaged woman's right ( your flora gown) to show off her rock, but if you get negative vibes from someone, draw focus away from the ring with a simple reply like, "We're both really happy and excited."

"This bridesmaid dress is ugly."

Translation: While it's a cliche for a bridesmaid to gripe about the dress, it still happens. If she's strapped for cash, her disapproval may be in hopes that you'll pick something less expensive. Or she could really think it's hideous.

Quick comeback: Find out why she doesn't like it and try to locate some middle ground. Suggest that she stick with the dress color but then let her choose her own silhouette.

"That's a great idea...I'll do it too!"

Translation: Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but it's aggravating when a friend steals a unique wedding idea. Take it as a compliment that your ideas are so great; then steer your friend in a new direction.

Quick comeback: Agree the idea would work well in your friend's wedding, but suggest she personalize it to better fit her style. Encourage some brainstorming and change an element of the concept so it's similar but not identical.

"Who is paying for all this?"

Translation: Maybe they're surprised by all of the nice details you've included in your wedding, or perhaps they're wondering how your parents could afford to host such a great party on their own dime. Either way, this one ranks near the very top of the bad etiquette list.
Quick comeback: Unless you're willing to share that info, immediately let the person know they've crossed the line: "I'm sorry, but that's between my fiance and me."

"Am I going to be invited?"

Translation: No need to decipher this one -- this person simply wants to attend the party. Tactless on their part, sure, but don't be surprised when an annoying coworker, excitable neighbor, or wayward cousin asks for an invite.

Quick comeback: Rather than postpone the awkwardness with a dodgy line like, "We haven't finalized the list yet," tell them that, due to a tight budget, you're keeping things intimate and the guest list will be mostly close family.

"How much did that cost?"

Translation: This can be interpreted in a few ways. If the person is planning their own wedding, they're probably asking out of genuine interest because they like what you're doing. If, however, there's no chance they're planning their nuptials, odds are whatever you tell them will garner an obnoxious response.

Quick comeback: A simple "That's none of your business" will suffice, or you could throw them off with some dramatics: "It cost me an arm and my fiance a leg -- next week we're going in for surgery together. Romantic, right?"

"I'm RSVPing...with guest."

Translation: Some people think that it's fine to tack on a "plus one" to any wedding invite. Though it's definitely a wedding etiquette faux pas, you should give your guest the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to an innocent misunderstanding rather than a snobby "I don't go anywhere without a date" attitude.

Quick comeback: Call as soon as you receive the offending RSVP and gently explain: "I'm sorry that it wasn't clearer, and we're excited you're coming, but our guest list is packed so we can't include a date for every guest."

"I want to make a toast."

Translation: They want the world (or at least the reception) to know how proud they are you tied the knot. And a minute in the spotlight satisfies any extrovert tendencies they might have.

Quick comeback: Say that you're flattered by the offer, but you want to keep the toasts to a minimum -- just the parents and honor attendants. If a close family member really wants to speak, you should consider letting them say a few words at the rehearsal dinner.

"So when are you going to have kids?"

Translation: The joy of a wedding leaves some people overly enthusiastic about the next huge life event: starting a family. Curiosity about baby plans is natural -- most people keep those thoughts to themselves, while others prove to be significantly less reserved.
Quick comeback: Even if you have a clear plan about when you want to start having babies, be vague in discussing a timeline. Try, "We'd love to be parents someday, but we're taking things one step at a time -- starting with the wedding."

Bachelor Parties: How to Deal With His Bachelor Party

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Brides, wondering how to deal with his bachelor party? Here are some pointers.

Don't worry -- you're hardly the first bride to feel uncomfortable about the bachelor party. Though out-of-control antics on movies and TV make it look like total debauchery is headed your future husband's way, the real-life version will likely be a bit more mundane. If it's making you uncomfortable, read on for some honest info and advice.

Let Him Have It

We don't mean unleash your inner bridezilla. If he wants to have a bachelor party, let him. It's an important guy ritual to blow off steam prewedding and for him to reassure his pals that he's still "one of the guys" even though he's making a commitment to marriage. This is a good thing: After all, you're planning on keeping your circle of friends tight postwedding, so he should have his crew too.

The Unexpected Is a Possibility

Bachelor parties aren't exactly what they used to be. Rather than the stereotypical evening of strippers and stogies, many men today are opting for other types of parties. Taking a weekend trip with the guys -- think outdoorsy activities like white-water rafting and fly-fishing -- is a popular option. Even those who stay closer to home might go with an unconventional activity that's fun and out of the ordinary, like suiting up for some paintball or touring a local brewery.

Communicate Your Limits

Be open about your feelings. This doesn't mean nag him endlessly; it means tell him what makes you uncomfortable. Saying, "Thinking about you hiring a stripper makes me feel unhappy" is very different than saying, "You'll hire a stripper over my dead body." Remember, this is your fiance here -- he wants you to be happy. Letting him know your threshold for wild-and-craziness is totally acceptable, and he should appreciate that you were willing to tell him. It can also potentially open up an important dialogue about your relationship: You need to know that you can trust him, and he you.

Remember Your Own

Don't forget -- you get to do this too. If your bachelorette party is going to be a spa day, that's one thing, but if you're hitting the town looking fabulous with your girlfriends, that's totally another. When you're talking about the bachelor party, be sure to talk about the bachelorette party as well: It's only fair that the two of you play by the same rules. Setting a mutual limit also makes the whole process feel less like each partner constraining the other and more about setting boundaries within your relationship.

On the Big Night

Do not, we repeat, do not sit at home watching the clock and wondering what he's doing. Make plans of your own, get out of the house, and go have a good time! Even if you aren't up for going out to a club, surely you can muster the energy to go to the movies with a friend or two. The scenarios you come up with in your head are most likely a thousand times more lurid than anything that's actually going on -- and if you've followed our advice so far, you should be able to feel okay about things anyway. Remember, there might be a lot of girls out there, but you are the one he wants to marry.
-- Kate Wood

Postwedding Festivities: After-Party Basics

flora gown

These days, newlyweds no longer ride off into the sunset, headed for an evening of unbridled post-nuptial passion and other wedding-night cliches. Even if a bout of candlelit lovin' is in the cards, most couples find that it's also important to prolong the festivities at a post-reception blowout with friends and family, especially with those who have trekked great distances to attend the wedding. At any celebration, there are always revelers who refuse to let the good times come to a close, so it's a good idea to have an after-hours game plan.

Who Comes?

The "after-party party" is still a pretty informal gathering, generally thrown for the couple's closest friends and any crazy relatives who want to attend. A stringent guest list is rarely adhered to, but some couples aim to restrict the post-reception bash to the bridal party, while others choose to invite anyone and everyone who's begging for more. You might want to start by determining who will definitely be in tow (your sorority sisters, your little brother, and other bon vivants) and then just know to expect other guests who spontaneously decide they, too, want in on the action.

Spreading the Word

If you want to get the crowd psyched up for the festivities, send out invitations. Try not to make it sound exclusive and secretive -- you don't want to hurt feelings. You needn't make the merriment undercover, because you basically already know who's coming. Your grandparents, for one, will probably have other plans. Ditto for your 13-year-old cousin. Or, just let word of mouth take over. Mention the party at the bachelor and bachelorette bashes, and maybe follow up with invitations in the hotel room hospitality baskets. Everyone should feel welcome to join.

Where's the Party?

Before you figure out where it's all going to go down, think about how you'd like to celebrate. You might want to plan the party to contrast with the type of wedding you're having. For example, if you'll be having a noon wedding followed by a low-key luncheon affair, a buttoned-up reception due to religious/military requirements, or an evening reception in a country club that doesn't allow loud music, why not throw an all-out extravaganza for your friends later that night? Springing for a simple gathering in the hotel bar or bridal suite is standard. Or you can rent out a room at a favorite local watering hole or restaurant (be sure to make reservations in advance). Have the bridesmaids and groomsmen tote some of the leftovers to party central for when you get the munchies, and a table centerpiece or two will do wonders for ambience.

Dress Code

Even if the after-party party will be happening in makeshift surroundings, you can generally expect everyone to still be in their party clothes. At a hotel, many guests will want to change into more casual gear, but if you want to sport your wedding day duds 'til dawn, don't feel obligated to remove them. True, a poufy white tulle gown ( flora gown) will seem out of place at a local dive and will likely call much attention to you and your satin-clad entourage, but don't let that stop you from playing the princess card for as long as you wish. Besides, you might even score some free congratulatory drinks. On the other hand, if most of the party seem at home in their fancy wedding-day getups and you'd prefer to ditch the pearls and pantyhose, slip into comfy clothes. If appropriate, you can even stomp around in your peignoir and pajamas.


Footing the Bill

So, the big question is: Who's paying? Chances are there will be many a guest offering to pick up some six-packs at the local convenience store or slap down their credit cards at the bar. Yes, you've forked out quite a chunk of change for the wedding, but so have your friends. Between the showers, bachelorette and bachelor parties, gifts, attire, hotels, and travel, they've spent quite a lot to be a part of your celebration. Covering the cost of the after-party party is the perfect way for you to thank your crew for their exertions. No need to go overboard -- if you're worried about overspending, just put a cap on the craziness after an hour or two.

Postwedding Brunch: Where to Begin

flora dress

Breakfast in bed is nice, but a brunch with the wedding bunch can be blissful. Here are planning tips for your second meal as man and wife.

So the big night is over, and you're officially married. If you're not leaving for the honeymoon right away, a postwedding brunch is a great way to wind down the festivities. Newlyweds can enjoy a final opportunity to thank their guests and spend a little more time with loved ones. Here are some tips to get you started.

Who's Invited?

The brunch is usually for the couples' families and any wedding guests that are still in town, but feel free to include attendants, friends, or even the family dog (depending on the location). Basically, anything goes. Of course, that depends on who's paying for it, which leads us to...

Who Pays?

Traditionally, the bride's parents pay, but it's a nice gesture (if you have the funds) to pay for it yourselves. Show off as gracious newlyweds by playing the perfect hosts!

Where to have it

An historic firehouse? A landmark diner? A friend's backyard? Do you really love his parents' pad? Were you married in a hotel that has a restaurant or cozy lounge? Ask if you could hold the brunch there. The location depends entirely on your personal tastes.

Invitations

Insert a card inside the wedding invitations of the guests you would like to fete. Or you can send out a separate mailing entireley -- it's really up to you. The cards can be as formal or as casual as the brunch itself. If very casual, invite your guests via telephone or email. You can also tailor the invitation to a theme. Need one? Read on!

What to Serve

Whether you want a catered affair or a simple, homemade meal with friends and family, here are some suggested edibles:
Basic Brunch: Mom or maid of honor doing the cooking? This standard brunch menu offers omelets, French toast, waffles, pancakes, scones, croissants, bagels, coffee, flora dresses and juices, and may also include steak, pasta, salad, and fish.

Cocktail brunch: Spruce up ordinary French toast by adding ancho chili paste to the egg batter and drizzling sweet jalapeno syrup over the bite-sized treat. Transform a traditional caviar, creme fraiche blini into a dessert morsel by substituting dried currents soaked in rum for caviar and orange blossom mascarpone for creme fraiche. For cocktails, serve drinks ranging from mimosas to Napoleon Imperials (Champagne, Mandarin Napoleon liqueur, and orange flower water) and Silverados (vodka, Campari, and orange juice). In addition to the relaxed setting a cocktail brunch offers, you'll pay about two-thirds less than you would for a sit-down meal. With delicious delectables and affordability, you can't go wrong.

Free Weddings: Great Deal or Too Good to be True?

free wedding 

Read on to find out why a growing number of resorts are offering them -- and if it’s really worth it.

To entice couples to choose their property as the setting for their “I dos,” a growing number of all-inclusive resorts in the Caribbean and Mexico are offering great deals on wedding packages -- including, believe it or not, ones that cost nada. Tying the knot on a beautiful tropical beach -- for free, no less -- probably sounds a little like a Publishers Clearing House commercial: Sure, who wouldn’t want all their dreams to come true? But few of us are holding our breath, waiting for Ed McMahon to show up at our doors with a jumbo-size check. However, unlike that check, these freebie nuptials aren’t just gimmicks to get you on a mailing list. You can have a destination wedding sans cost -- though not without a catch. Want to know more? Keep reading to find out what these free wedding packages are all about -- and to decide whether one is right for you.

What’s the real deal with these so-called free weddings? 

While free wedding offerings vary widely from resort to resort, typically you’re getting the most basic wedding package, which in some cases may not be a lot. Think: flowers, decorations, a cake, taped music and hors d’oeuvres. What you probably won’t get: a three-course dinner for you and all of your guests, an open bar, live music (i.e., a band or DJ), a wedding photographer, a flora gown, a private reception (the space may be shared -- as in, other hotel guests could crash) and your desired guest list (the headcount is typically limited). While a wedding officiant is usually part of the deal, you won’t necessarily get a legal union for free either. If you choose to marry at a resort outside the US, there’s typically paperwork and fees (not always covered by the resort) that you’ll need to complete in order to legally be considered husband and wife. Get more info on marriage license requirements outside the US here.

So, what’s the catch?

You’re smart to be skeptical. Not surprisingly, there are restrictions and requirements, which vary but may include a minimum length of stay (typically ranging from three to seven nights), a maximum number of guests (think: two to four in addition to the bride and groom) and a minimum number of rooms that must be booked (we’ve seen anywhere from five to 20). Or the bride and groom may be required to book a pricier suite. And as we said, you’ll be getting a pretty bare-bones package -- any upgrades or extras you choose to add will cost you. But of course, if you choose to stick with the basic freebie, you may not get to pick your color scheme or cake.

Why are some brides choosing them (besides the fact that they’re, uh, free)? 

Most resorts have wedding coordinators who can help with all the details, which can be a huge relief when you’re planning a wedding from afar. Some may even be able to incorporate your tastes and preferences, so you can still personalize the event (just check with the resort first). Couples who want an intimate affair, surrounded by just family and close friends, may want their guests to stay at the same resort anyway, so meeting a room quota might not be a big deal to you -- or your guests. But the real attraction? You’ll get a gorgeous, beachfront wedding -- free of charge -- and you won’t have to worry about traveling anywhere for your honeymoon.

Why in the world would a resort treat you (and your nearest and dearest) to a free wedding?

Well, it’s a great way for resorts to incentivize couples -- and their guests -- to stay there, especially during nonpeak times. (Some only offer “free weddings” during shoulder season.) These guys know that once they get people to their resort, those people are going to spend -- and not just on the room (room service, spa treatments, poolside margaritas, etc.). And if they like what they see, taste and experience, they may come back, so it’s basically free advertising. Plus, these resorts count on the “upsell” factor -- that they’ll be able to get couples to shell out for extras and upgrades, as well as welcome cocktails, rehearsal dinners, and good-bye brunches (which many do, considering they’re getting the big day for free).

The bottom line? 

For some couples, especially those on a tight budget, these free wedding packages offer a chance for them to get married in their dream location. It can also be a great way to save money on the big day, even if you opt to pay for upgrades and extras. After all, free is free, and all the elements to a fab affair really add up, so why not save where you can? Just be sure to do your research to make sure it’s a great deal for you and your guests, and you’re still getting a wedding you’ll both love.

DIY Wedding Hairstyles: How to Get Perfect Destination Wedding Hair

wedding hairstyle

You didn’t come all this way to look anything less than amazing. Pick the weather forecast that matches your wedding location to find the style that’s right for you.

Hot and Humid Climates


The Style: Up but loose 

Why it works: Whether you have all-out curls, a bit of wave, or a stick-straight mane, you’ll want to make the most of your natural texture while avoiding frizz. David Shmagin, a stylist at the Robert Kree Salon, in New York City, calls this look “organized chaos.”

How to: Let hair dry naturally for maximum smoothness. Hair gets frizzy because it sucks moisture out of the air; avoid that fate by running a humectant styling product lightly over hair. Smooth hair with a curling iron and pin up random sections, starting with the sides.

Cold Weather


The Style: Pulled back with a low, asymetrical bun

Why it works: This style allows you to use a loose hat without messing things up.
How to: Blow-dry hair. Run a drop of anti-frizz shine-maker over hair to conquer flyaways. Pull hair into a low, tight ponytail. Use pins to fasten hair in a tight, off-center spiral near the base of the skull, covering the elastic.
Mild, Temperate Climates

The Style: Down but loose and easy

Why it works: This weather invites an easy, natural look.
How to: Divide dry hair into large chunky sections and curl with hot rollers or an iron, says Shmagin. Let cool completely before touching. Rake a dollop of shaping humectant-styler through hair.

Dry Heat


The Style: Up and clean-looking

Why it works: Keeping hair away from your neck helps you stay cool.
How to: Dry hair and run a flat iron over it for extra gleam. Pull it into two high ponytails, says Shmagin, one on top of the other. Split the top ponytail into two sections. Wind each section around a curling iron to smooth, then pin to loosely cover the elastic. Repeat with the other ponytail. Rub a few drops of a silicone gloss-maker over the front and sides.

Avoid These Disastrous Combinations

Hot Sun + Colored Hair The hot rays won’t zap your color if you use a protective leave-in conditioner with SPF. Go easy to avoid looking oily.

Dry Heat + Dull Hair In the months leading up to your big day ( your flora gown), schedule weekly deep conditioning treatments to optimize hair’s health. For a quick fix, add shine with a dollop of moisturizing pomade.

Humidity + Frizz To keep hair smooth, you must first blow-dry it completely (any moisture invites frizz). Then seal it with a swipe of a frizz-fighting silicone product. Stash a mini bottle with a designated bridesmaid for touch-ups.

Sea and Sun + Fragile Hair Stop hair from snapping and breaking by getting a clear gloss treatment at the salon (Redken makes a good one, says Shmagin). It lasts four to six weeks, he says, and protects hair while adding much-needed shine. Follow up on location with a leave-in strengthener.

DIY Wedding Programs: DIY Wedding Program Basics

DIY Wedding Programs

Follow our basic guide for picture-perfect wedding programs that will make a wonderful keepsake.

The more guests feel involved with your wedding, the more likely they’ll have a great time. Wedding programs are a wonderful way to help your friends and family follow the ceremony and understand the wedding traditions you’re incorporating, plus they can take theirs home as a keepsake. The key to crafting a good wedding program? Think practically and creatively.

What's Included

No matter what design you choose for your wedding programs, consider adding the following elements:

The full names of the bride and groom, the wedding date, and the city and state where the wedding is taking place

The order of the wedding ceremony, including the musical selections (and the lyrics if they're especially meaningful to you), the composers, and the performers, as well as readings, the source or author, and the readers

Wedding party bios with brief descriptions of each attendant's relationship to you

The name of the officiant

A thank-you note to both sets of parents; one to all the guests is another frequent addition

For religious and secular ceremonies alike, it's important to keep guests in the know by briefly explaining traditions, rituals, and ethic customs

If you wish to honor deceased loved ones, you can include a memorial on the back page with a photograph, a fond memory, poem, or quote

Personalizing Them

Your wedding program is an opportunity to tell guests a little more about you as a couple and to set the tone for the rest of the event. The easiest way to personalize your programs is to add special touches, such as favorite poems, quotes, or photographs.

Here are some creative concepts:

One couple we know extended their old-world European theme with programs printed on marbled parchment paper rolled into scrolls and tied with a sage-green ribbon and a sprig of eucalyptus.

Two actors created a Playbill for their programs ( and their flora dresses): a booklet complete with The Players (each attendant's picture and a short bio), a description of Acts (the ceremony events), and a Producers' Note (a letter to guests from the bride and groom).

High school sweethearts reprinted their senior prom picture on vellum and used it to top the program, setting a lighthearted, playful mood.

Knot Note: Instead of making just a ceremony program, consider creating a program for the reception as well. Combine it with the ceremony program or create a separate handout for the beginning of the reception. The goal of the event program is to let people know the approximate times for must-see things like the cake cutting and special dances, as well as special symbolism of particular events.

Making Them

Whether you choose to create a program that's bound with a wax seal or a single sheet of paper, there are four basic ways to make your wedding day programs.

Set up an arts-and-crafts station in your home, complete with colorful papers, ribbon, and decorations, and host a bridal party DIY night.

Create them using template designs from a computer program. With the right program, you can create almost anything imaginable.

Have them crafted by a professional designer.

Purchase a DIY kit from a company like Paper Source. All you have to do is follow the directions and put the programs together.

Knot Note: DIY programs can be a time-consuming and expensive process, especially if you get hung up on technical details, so do a test run. Time how long it takes to put together a single program before deciding to make them yourself.

Presenting Them

Because wedding programs can come in unusual shapes, sizes, and colors, they can be presented in various ways. Here are some ideas:

Fill baskets, tin pails, or antique trays -- whatever works with your wedding style -- with programs and place them at the entrance to your ceremony site. Guests can grab one as they arrive.

For an outdoor wedding, put a program on each chair and set a few pieces of colored sea glass on top to keep them from blowing away.

Ask a friend or family member to greet guests and hand out programs as they arrive. It's the perfect way to give a special role to someone special who isn't a bridesmaid or a groomsman.

Have your ushers hand guests a program right before they’re seated.

DIY Stationery: How to Make Your Own Ceremony Programs

From ceremony program booklets to program fans and more, take a cue from 6 of our favorite weddings and get directions on making your own wedding programs.

Kaitlin & Mike's Blue Ceremony Program Booklets

What You Need:
•  8 1/2" x 11" navy blue card stock
•  3" x 3" light blue invitation liner paper
•  2 1/2" x 2 1/2" white paper card stock printed with your monogram (your flora dress).

DIY stationery

•  20" to 30" light blue ribbon (about 1/4" thick)
•  *7 1/2" x 10" paper printed landscape-style with the ceremony info
                                                                                    •  Mini hole puncher
   Glue or spray adhesive

How to Make Them:
•  Fold the sheet of navy blue card stock in half width-wise.
•  Glue the light blue paper square onto the middle of the folded navy blue card stock. Let dry.
•  Glue the monogram-printed white square on top of the recycled paper square. Let dry.
•  Fold the inner page(s) width-wise and tuck into the inside of the blue program cover so that the pages come together like a booklet.
•  Close the booklet with the pages still inside, and punch two holes exactly on the fold line and 2" to 3" away from the program's top and bottom.
•  Open the booklet and loop the light blue ribbon through the holes. Close the booklet and tie a bow around the outside to bind it together.

* Tip: Don't have 7 1/2" x 10" paper? Use an 8 1/2" x 11" sheet for the inner pages -- just set the print area for 7 1/2" x 10" and then trim the edges after printing. Print pages 1 and 4 on one side and pages 2 and 3 on the other.

What You Need:
•  4 1/4" x 5 1/2" sheet of aqua card stock printed with a logo*
•  4" x 5 1/4" sheet of aqua paper printed with ceremony program info*
•  Rubber cement or glue
•  Spray adhesive
•  Large wooden craft stick
   Scalloped scissors
                                                                                    *Print two onto 2 (8 1/2" x 11") sheets                                                                                       and then cut in half width-wise.

How to Make Them:
•  Adhere the 4" x 5 1/4" logo piece to the 4 1/4" x 5 1/2" program info piece with spray adhesive, making sure not to glue the bottom third of the two papers together.
•  Using rubber cement, adhere a large craft stick in between the two pieces of paper and glue the rest shut using rubber cement.
•  Cut each corner of the programs using scalloped scissors to finish them off.

Traditions: 9 Favorites From Around the World

traditions of the wedding

Every culture has traditional marriage rituals, from the Bulgarian throwing of figs at the departing newlyweds, to the seating of a doll on the bride and groom's wedding table (Puerto Rican). Here are a few rituals to celebrate your heritage that you may not even have known about:

African-American
Jumping the broom. Since African slaves were not permitted to marry in America, they would make a public declaration of their love and commitment by jumping over a broom to the beat of drums. The broom has since come to symbolize the newlywed act of setting up home.

Chinese
The color of love and joy in China is red, so during the ceremony the couple drink wine and honey from goblets tied together with red string. Find out more Chinese wedding traditions here.

French
The couple often drinks the reception toast from an engraved two-handled cup -- the coupe de marriage.

German
The bride carries salt and bread in her pocket to ensure bounty; the groom carries grain, for wealth and good fortune.

Indian
The groom's brother sprinkles flower petals over the couple at the end of the ceremony to ward off evil.

Japanese
The couple takes nine sips of sake, becoming husband and wife after the first sip.

Mexican
A traditional pinata is fun reception entertainment -- especially for kids! A sweet addition: Guests often form a heart-shaped ring around the couple before their first newlywed dance.

Polish
For village weddings, friends weave a crown of rosemary leaves, symbolizing remembrance, for the bride.

Turkey
Before the bride walks down the aisle, she asks her single bridesmaids and relatives to sign the sole of her bridal shoes. After a night of dancing and prancing, tradition states that the person's signature who has faded the most will be the next to marry.

Incorporating one of these acts into your ceremony is a great way to add originality, as well as to pay a special tribute to your background and heritage.

Toasting: A Guide for the Bride & Groom

                         toasting of the bride and groom

You've spent months planning, dreaming, arguing, and waiting. So why would you waste this enormous opportunity to address those guests who have gathered to celebrate the two of you? (Hey, they're not there for the best man, and he's up on his feet with a clever speech.) It's time for both groom and bride to speak up, to raise a glass to their guests and new spouse, and to share a few words from the heart on this singular day. Take the stage for a moment or two, and your celebration will be warmer and more festive for the effort.

Why Should I Make a Toast?
Well, why not? You are, after all, the entire reason all these people have come to this celebration (great hors d'oeuvres notwithstanding). JoAnn Gregoli, a New York- and New Jersey-based wedding consultant, routinely encourages couples to toast. "The couple making a toast gives the guests a sense of appreciation," she says. Besides, a wasted opportunity can leave a tinge of regret. Chances are, this particular collection of old college buddies, distant grandaunts, and in-laws' cousins is not likely ever to be together again. Seize the moment: You are more likely to feel sorry for not speaking than for saying a few simple words of welcome and gratitude.


Aw, Do I Have To?
No bride or groom with severe social anxiety should be forced to make a toast. If the very thought of raising your glass and saying a few words makes you feel ill, skip it. No one likes to see a person making a toast squirm. The only one really expected to make a speech is the best man, and even he can be replaced by, say, the maid of honor if he is truly uncomfortable.

But My Knees Will Be Knocking
Everyone is at least a little nervous before they speak to a group, but this can actually be a good thing if you use that energy to create some momentum and excitement for yourself. Sounds silly, but breathing deeply is very calming. So is remembering this: You are preaching to the converted. These people love you; after all, they're your wedding guests, not some howling mob. Basically they are going to adore anything you say to them. Which brings us to the next point..
.
How Do I Break the Ice?
You'll probably want to start off by making your guests chuckle, to get them engaged. No need to tell a true knee-slapper, but do start with something light and amusing. Some people are not great joke-tellers, but you don't have to be Conan O'Brien to be funny. Tell a story about your new spouse that always makes you grin (but nothing embarrassing!). Or describe the first time your parents met your intended, if it was offbeat. The things that will make people smile are those that are personal but never mean-spirited. Bonnie Kowar, a wedding consultant from Vail, Colorado, will never forget the toasts of one particular couple: "One bride told the 200 friends and family gathered that she never thought she would get married because there just wasn't any man as wonderful as her golden retriever. When the groom had his moment in the spotlight, he approached the microphone, looked out at all of the guests for a moment, and in a deep voice said, 'Woof, woof.' That brought down the house!"

What Should I Say?
Whatever you say, say it simply and say it quickly. Two or three minutes are sufficient for this toast, especially if both the bride and groom are planning to speak. Be sure to thank your parents and your in-laws. Next, thank all your guests for coming. Finally, toast your new wife or husband. Don't tell long stories about your childhood or growing up or whatever. Don't thank a long list of people: You have not won an Academy Award here. Don't say a single thing that you would not repeat to your mother-in-law or your grandmother if she were the only one in the room. This is not the time for anything even slightly raunchy. Don't tell inside jokes in order to make your old college roommates guffaw: It's rude not to be inclusive of the entire group. For example, don't say, "And thanks to Shirley and Steffi. Don't worry, the cotton candy came out." But you can say, "I especially want to thank my bridesmaids for the trip to the amusement park we took last week. It was great being a kid again with you guys -- and I did manage to get that cotton candy out of my hair."

I Think I Need a Drink
Yes, several of those chocolate martinis may make it easier for you to gather the courage to get up there and do your part. But keep in mind that drinking may also make you difficult to understand, boring, or -- worst of all -- inappropriate. There are lots of reasons why you should not get inebriated on your wedding day. The chance of making an embarrassing toast is just one of them.

Where's My Teleprompter?
While index cards may have worked nicely in your high school civics class presentations, at your own wedding, this technique lacks that warm, personal touch. Your toast should feel spontaneous and sincere -- which is not what comes across when you whip out that stack of 3x5s. But hey, you can't be spontaneous and sincere without practice. The key is to practice but appear unrehearsed. In fact, you may have to practice at appearing unrehearsed. One way to accomplish this is not to write anything down, except perhaps for a list of single words or names so that you don't forget anyone. Bonnie Kowar tells the story of a bride who made everyone laugh by thanking her hairdresser for making the day possible. Alas, the same bride failed to toast her groom. Get set in your mind the general gist of what you want to say, who you want to thank, and the few little anecdotes you intend to sprinkle in. Then at the right moment, let the spirit of the celebration inspire you.

When Do I Take the Stage?
Your moment can come after the traditional speeches from the best man and bride's father (often other people, including the groom's father or maid of honor, will also speak) before or during the meal. But many wedding consultants, including Jean Picard of California, urge couples to speak just before the cake-cutting. "This time works well," she says, "because it's not just 'one more toast' along with the other toasts; and at this point the bride and groom already have everyone's attention."

Finally, don't forget to clue the photographer in to the big moment. You'll want a photo of the bride raising her glass to her groom, with the wedding cake in the background.

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Guest List: Should You Invite Your Ex?

Can't decide whether to ask an ex to the wedding? Read on for when you should and shouldn't invite your blast from the past.

When it comes to the people in our pasts, the decision to keep them there or bring them into our futures can leave us totally perplexed. That's why when you ask most brides or grooms if they'd consider inviting an ex to their wedding, they'll most likely say, "Sure -- if we're good friends." Ask if they'd mind if their partner invited an ex, and that's a whole different story. For many engaged couples, though, this situation isn't hypothetical but rather one that has become increasingly common, especially for those who maintain friendships or have children with their former partners.

So if you find yourself in these circumstances, should you start addressing that engraved invitation to the ex? Not just yet. First, you need to think it over very carefully, and let others -- such as your partner and your ex -- weigh in on your decision. Of course there are the very obvious reasons you shouldn't put that person on your guest list, like if there's still a love connection between the two of you. If that's the case, you've got bigger problems on your hands and this article isn't for you. But if it's not and you're still confused about the right thing to do, read on.

On the One Hand...

Among experts, there seem to be two schools of thought with regard to inviting exes. Some are completely against it, while others are for it in certain circumstances. Robert Billingham, PhD, an associate professor of human development and family studies at Indiana University, Bloomington, believes once people are lovers, they can never be "just friends," and that an ex should never attend your wedding under any circumstances. "Once sex happens, it can never be a friendship because sex makes relationships something different -- it's not like a Friends episode. People who find themselves in this situation can put on a good show, but it really kills them and takes away from what should normally be a day focused on celebration."

Ubertraditional etiquette expert Peggy Post agrees that exes shouldn't be present, but her concern is mainly for the children, if you have any, and those coming to your wedding. In her book, Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette, Fourth Edition (Harper Resource, 2001), she says that even when you have children with an ex-spouse, it's better not to invite your ex. "It can be confusing to your children, who need to see you and your new groom (or bride) as a family unit, separate from the ex. They also need to understand that while you are all still their parents, you are otherwise not connected to each other." Another reason for not inviting the ex? No matter how amicable your divorce, she thinks it can be awkward for your guests to show happiness for you in front of a former partner with whom things didn't work out.

On the Other Hand...

But there's the other camp that believes if your ex is a truly good friend, there's no reason he or she shouldn't be there. "It depends on how 'ex' your ex really is," says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, a professor of sociology at the University of Washington, and author of several books, including Everything You Know About Love and Sex Is Wrong: Twenty-Five Relationship Myths Redefined to Achieve Happiness and Fulfillment in Your Intimate Life, (Perigree, 2001). Schwartz says maintaining a good connection with your ex can be beneficial, especially when kids are involved: "You can be a really loyal person who knows how to convert one kind of relationship into another." She also adds that it's a positive indicator of your current partner's personality if he or she is still friendly with his or her ex, as long as that ex isn't overly dependent or clingy.

And because society is rethinking its definition of what a family means, all the old rules don't apply, according to Tina B. Tessina, PhD, a licensed psychotherapist in California and author of ten books, including The Ten Smartest Decisions You Can Make Before You Get Married, (Macmillan, 2002). If you have children with an ex, she suggests "acting like grown-ups." Invite your ex to the wedding so your kids can have extra parental support on what may be an extremely emotion-filled day for them.

Some Dos & Don'ts

If you do invite your ex and your cordial invitation is accepted, there are a few dos and don'ts that you should keep in mind to ensure a stress-free wedding day. Do: Invite your ex with a guest. This way, he or she won't feel alone. Greet your ex on the receiving line as you would any other guest. Introduce your ex as an old friend or the father or mother of your children. Seat your ex with people he or she knows and likes. Limit chatting with your ex to just a few minutes when you're visiting guests at their tables.

Now for the don'ts. Don't dance with your ex. There's no reason to become the center of gossip at your own wedding. Plus, you might upset your partner. Don't let your ex catch the garter or bouquet if your ex is single: "There shouldn't be anything that causes your ex to stand out," says Billingham, so this is a big no-no. (Before the wedding, casually mention to your ex that you think it would be best if he or she skipped this part of the reception.) Don't introduce your ex as "my ex." We're not encouraging you to lie, but there's no need to tell someone who doesn't know about your history together. And if it's a person who already knows your ex, there's no need to rehash the past. Don't spend a lot of time chatting with your ex. "This person is not a major part of the day no matter how you feel about them," says Schwartz. Don't drink too much. This is a day you want to remember, not regret. Alcohol loosens inhibitions, and sometimes makes us say things we would never say when we were sober.

Guest List: Inviting Estranged Relatives

You've written the guest list. Not once. Not twice. But three times, cutting coworkers, adding neighbors and leaving other folks in the "maybe" column until the "A-listers" RSVP. You're comfortable with the final list...with one exception: You're still debating whether to invite an estranged relative. A father or mother, sister or brother, grandmother or grandfather, aunt or uncle whom you haven't spoken with or seen in years. On the one hand, you're tempted to send an invitation because, like christenings and funerals, weddings are family affairs. But on the other hand, why waste a $100 dinner on people who don't act like family as far as you're concerned, and whose past misdeeds still make your blood boil?

Expert Advice

According to Chicago therapist Leah Shifrin Averick, the decision to invite estranged relatives should be based on the circumstances surrounding the rift and whether you really want to renew the relationship. "Yes, it's gracious to mend fences and invite them," Averick says. "But it's OK not to invite them, too -- especially if the circumstances of your falling out were so horrible that you can't forgive the person and you really don't want anything to do with them."

Questions to Ask Yourself

To help you decide, ask yourself these questions:
Are you angry about something that would be impossible to forgive? (Examples: Did your father molest you as a child? Did you mother abandon you when you were a baby? Did your uncle steal money from the family business and force your parents into bankruptcy?)

Was the rift the result of a minor misunderstanding that escalated into a feud? (Examples: Did your aunt stop speaking to you because your late grandmother left you more money than her children? Did your brother make disparaging remarks about your fiance?)

Are you worried about a scene at the wedding? (Example: Is your alcoholic brother prone to verbal outbursts and violence?)

How would you feel if the relationship didn't improve after the wedding?

Resolve Differences First

If you choose forgiveness, don't extend the wedding invitation out of the blue. "Resolve your differences first; then send the invitation," advises Gilda Carle, Ph.D., a New York psychotherapist. "The invitation won't solve the problem. Only a candid discussion will do that."

Madeline's Story

Madeline, a 28-year-old New Yorker, learned that lesson the hard way. Though she hadn't spoken to her great aunt and uncle for several years, she invited them to her wedding as a courtesy to her grandmother. "I knew my grandmother wanted them to be there," says Madeline, who can't recall the details of the rift. "Besides, my aunt is 89 and my uncle is 82. They won't be around forever, so I didn't want to have regrets." But she does. Both declined Madeline's invitation by scribbling nasty comments on the RSVP card. "My aunt wrote, 'I think you're a selfish person. You always have been and always will be. I hope your marriage is unsuccessful,'" Madeline says. "My uncle wrote, 'Will not attend!' -- and underlined it for emphasis. I'm sorry I invited them. They didn't have to be so harsh."

Sara's & Larry's Story

For Sara and Larry, inviting Larry's biological father, Bert, to their wedding proved bittersweet. Larry's parents divorced when he was a toddler, and Bert virtually disappeared from his son's life. "By the time I met Larry, they hadn't spoken in 10 years," says Sara, a 32-year-old Atlanta resident. "Larry didn't have a strong opinion of Bert. But 11 months before our wedding, Bert started calling and sending email. He even bought us airline tickets for our honeymoon. I was happy that Bert was making an effort, so I pushed Larry to invite him."

They did. And after the wedding, Bert showed his true colors. "He turned out to be unreliable and selfish," Sara says. "We've been married four years now, and we've only seen him once. The more I got to know him, the more I realized that he wasn't capable of having a normal relationship with us." Even so, Sara doesn't regret inviting Bert to the wedding. "We gave him a chance to be involved in our lives and to make a new connection with Larry. Unfortunately, it didn't work out. But if we hadn't invited him to the wedding, it always would have been an open question."

Keep it in Perspective

Ultimately, deciding whether to invite estranged relatives is deeply personal. That's why it's crucial to weigh all the pros and cons. "Forgiveness is not for the other person -- it's for you," says Carle, the psychotherapist. "If you want to heal past pains, invite your estranged relatives. But remember, your wedding day is your special day. If you're not ready to forgive or you're worried about the person's behavior, don't invite them. You shouldn't stir up negative feelings toward a relative on the happiest day of your life."

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